compassion, surrender, and equanimity

 

This past week was difficult, not so much for me individually, but for people I know and love. It can be described in two words: helplessness, which is what I felt, and hopelessness, which was the rock bottom truth.

It started with someone close to my heart who took ill, and required hospitalization for both evaluation and treatment. It turns out the management part of the story will require long, complicated surgery. That happens tomorrow, followed by that treacherous period when we have to wait for results, and hope for healing, while trying to keep everyone's spirits up. The trouble is I can't be there. Not that I would play any role in his surgery or treatment, but I believe in the healing grace of presence. So, I feel totally helpless.

"When you love someone,

the best thing you can offer

is your presence."

~Thich Nhat Hanh~

Then I received word that a friend's husband passed away unexpectedly over the weekend...while they were travelling out West with their two dogs in their brand-spanking new RV...leaving her alone somewhere in Texas to find her way home. Without him. Without hope. Which leaves those of us who love her fraught with worry and sorrow, unable to be there for her. Unable to help at all.

"At some point

you are going to want to give up.

Consider this a reminder:

don't you dare."

~Karen Salmansohn~

Not only my little speck of the world, but the entire planet appears to be blanketed with fear, pain, dread, and sorrow. Punctuated by cruelty, indifference, hatred, and greed. Littered with broken bodies, broken hearts, and broken lives. With no end in sight. It has frustrated us by making us feel helpless. It has discouraged us with loss of hope. 

But make no mistake about it. Both the suffering we witness around us and the pain we experience in our own lives are wellsprings of deep compassion. They invite us to come together and to remain present for one another. They train us to acknowledge what is real and true in our lives, and by doing so, to embrace equanimity:

"EQUANIMITY:

mental calmness, composure, and

evenness of temper,

especially in a difficult situation."

~multiple attributions~

Compassion, surrender, and equanimity are the three healing forces that teach us what is precious and tender about this life we share. They train us to feel deeply. They teach us what we need to do in order to heal.

"It is both a blessing

and a curse

to feel everything so very deeply."

~David Jones~

jan

why stories go untold

 

When we refer to the healing power of storytelling, what do we mean? Is there anything to it? How does it work? What happens between us when we share our personal stories, and why is it important that we do?

This interests me because I’m a family physician. I practiced medicine for over thirty years…until I retired because my other passion in life is writing…and, you know, sometimes you have to make tough choices.

Plus…I had a story in me that I really wanted to tell. 

"Tell your story

with your whole heart."

~Brene Brown~

The point is that we ALL have a story to tell, but most of us ever get around to sharing it. Instead, we make up excuses. We tell ourselves we don’t have time to write. We don’t know where to begin, or how to put it into words. We tell ourselves that what we have to say isn’t important. That no one will care. Sometimes shame silences us. We blame ourselves for what happened to us. We have been conditioned to keep secrets. It’s too painful, or sad, or maddening to put into words.

 "You'd be surprised

what lengths people will go to
not to face what's real and painful inside them."
~attribution unknown~

So…our stories go untold…and as such, I’m telling you…they wreak havoc on our bodies. The anger we keep bottled up, the sorrow we can't express, the shame we keep under lock and key all take a toll on us. They increase levels of stress hormones and inflammatory chemicals in our bodies that raise the heart rate, elevate BP, and raise blood sugar levels. This can lead to all kinds of problems in adulthood--hypertension, heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune problems like lupus and RA. Not to mention anxiety and depression.

There is, in fact, some science to support the idea that telling our stories can help us heal. We know that storytelling can lower levels of inflammatory hormones in the body, because we can measure them. In studies where subjects were asked to write about a traumatic episode they experienced vs a neutral topic like the weather or a favorite food…heart rate, BP, and sugar levels fell in the first group as compared to the neutral group. In another study, participants underwent a small skin biopsy. They were then assigned to write about a traumatic episode or a neutral topic. The open wounds healed faster in the cohort that wrote about trauma.

When the listener is engaged with the story the teller is sharing, functional MRI scans of their brains demonstrate synchronization in electrical activity between the storyteller and listener. EEGs demonstrate the ways their brain waves change. 

Think of it. If we had a pill that could lower our blood pressure, control our blood sugar levels, and elevate our mood, we would all be buying stock in that company. So…why not invest in storytelling?

"Because right now
there is someone out there 
with a wound in the exact shape of your words."
~Sean Thomas Dougherty~

Unless we explore the anger, or despair, or confusion that is at the root of our pain, nothing anyone says or does will touch the cause of suffering. All the medication in the world will not solve the problem.

The point is that telling our stories affects us in ways we can actually measure and observe. When you give your story a title, describe how it unfolded, and name the characters that populate it, you may begin to understand why it still disturbs your peace so many years later. If someone you trust is listening, you may come away with an entirely fresh perspective on it. You may finally be able to forgive yourself or the person who hurt you. You may be able to cast aside some of the things you’ve always imagined were wrong with you, but never were. Your BP and sugar levels may come down. Anxiety and depression may improve. All pathways to healing.

As a physician, I listened to patients’ stories all day long. The history, or story, of the present illness. The past medical history, or story. The patient’s family history, or story. But that was back in the days when I could scan my schedule for the day and envision every patient, I knew them that well. With a quick glance at the schedule, I knew who was getting ready to start chemo, who had just welcomed their first grandchild into the world, whose mother was recently transferred to the dementia unit. I knew because I had asked about it, the patient told me the story, and I made a note of it in the chart.

Nowadays, rather than dictating a note about the clinical encounter (a.k.a. narrating the patient’s story), you open an electronic medical record (EMR) that presents you with a confusing array of bulleted items, complicated charts, and abbreviated details. You can easily pick out a list of symptoms that were problematic at the patient’s last visit, when they started, how often they occurred, and how long they lasted. You know what tests you ordered and how you treated him, but you might not remember anything else about the patient because nothing else is recorded there. He looks like any other older patient with diabetes, or heart failure, or COPD…because you missed the fact that he’s a decorated Vietnam veteran. You can’t understand why your pregnant patient is so anxious because you failed to ask about her sister who had three miscarriages in a row. You don’t know because you didn’t get that part of the story. 

"The most important part of a story
is the piece of it you don't know."
~Barbara Kingsolver~

If you’re a healthcare provider, it’s easy to understand how missing details can make it hard to come up with the right diagnosis. You miss the fact that your patient’s headaches started the day she discovered the cigarette burn on the sleeve of the sweater her ten-year old wore to school that day. You have no way of knowing that the patient’s heartburn and indigestion have been a problem because of the pile of unpaid bills that are collecting on the kitchen counter. Or that your patient has insomnia because he is headed for divorce...

…unless, of course, you ask about it.

"There isn't
a stronger connection between people
than storytelling."
~Jimmy Neil Smith~

Sharing our stories helps us heal. It is built into healthcare. It can’t be ignored. The stories we share in the back of an ambulance, or in the examination room, or at the bedside describe who we are. They help us process what happens to us. They embody our unspoken fears, our deepest sorrows, and our greatest regrets…

…which is why we don’t tell them. It’s hard to put them into words.

 It took me fifty years to get mine down.

 Now is your chance to get started on yours.

"Write about what disturbs you, what you fear,
what you have not been willing
to speak about.
Be willing to be split open."
~Natalie Goldberg~

 jan

 

how to be a better human

We're already well into March. January and February have come and gone...and with them, perhaps, the resolutions we embraced with such conviction at the start of the new year. To lose a few pounds. To ramp up our exercise routine. To simplify our lives. All worthy goals. All honorable intentions. All admirable yearnings.

Most of us would probably agree that it takes some combination of burning desire, fierce determination, and unrelenting self-discipline...whatever it takes...to make change happen. 

Perhaps your goals for this year are even loftier than usual at this stage of your life. To find happiness. To embrace equanimity. To cultivate inner peace and extend it to others. To heal the wounds that cause people to suffer...which, I believe, is what we are called to do with this one transcendent life of ours. To help people heal.

The bad news is that these are difficult goals to achieve under the best of circumstances, even with tireless effort. Harder even than dieting and exercising. 

The good news is that help is available. Wisdom abounds. Why, in just the past week, the following brilliant nuggets popped up among my e-mails:

~How to make the best of life

~How to master a life transition

~How to be perfect

~How to reprogram your subconscious mind

~How to access superhuman abilities

~How to reprogram your brain for healing

~And my personal favorite: "The Secret to Finishing Your Book."

I could go on. It's all out there. How to be a better human. Words of advice for whatever you want to achieve...complete with instructions...from people who claim to know it all. This should be easy, right? Plenty of people claim to have attained transcendence. They offer us an easy path forward. Don't fall for it, though. Before you surrender to someone else's authority, before you give away your own power, consider the Buddha's advice:

"Believe nothing,

no matter where you read it

or who has said it,

not even if I have said it,

unless it agrees with your own reason

and your own common sense."

~Buddha~

Or, as Einstein put it:

"The important thing is to

never stop questioning"

~Albert Einstein~

...to which I would add, when you think you have it all figured out, think again. Question yourself, especially if, at this stage in your life...in the world we now inhabit...you feel a need for correction, redirection, or redemption. If you feel a need to rediscover, reinvent, or recreate your true Self. This is the perfect time to reconnect...

...which is why these words of artist Emily McDowell, from "EM & Friends", resonate so authentically with me:

"Finding yourself is not really how it works. You are not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people's opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself, an unearthing, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you."

The conclusions we draw about who we are include a litany of disempowering, disheartening, and discouraging misconceptions we embraced as children and endured as adults that continue to cast long shadows over us as we age. No matter who we're with. No matter where we go. No matter what we accomplish. These include the never-good-enough, never-smart-enough, never-funny-enough, never thin enough, never-worthy-of-anything judgements that serve to camouflage wounds that have been festering untended, out of sight, our entire lives.

How can we ever expect to heal?

The answer is to question everything. Question everyone...your parents, friends, teachers, mentors, and every stranger you meet. Question your doctor. Ask your pastor, priest, or rabbi why they worship the way they do. See if makes sense to you.

If what you were trained to do, or taught to believe, or expected to accept leave you feeling uneasy, question them. Beware of guilt and shame. Pay attention when you feel a twinge of heartache or the pull of compassion. Stand up to injustice and cruelty in all their guises...poverty, war, homelessness, and hunger. Abuse and neglect. Tend to the ill and grieving when you can. Take care of the animals. Speak up for the planet. Challenge the politics.

"The cost of not following your heart

is spending the rest of your life

wishing you had."

~Attribution Unknown~

Spend a little time exploring who you were before the world got its hands on you.

You'll find a better human there. 

When you wake up in the morning, instead of asking yourself what you need to do that day, consider asking yourself this question:

Who do I want to BE today?

And always remember this:

"You're braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem,

and smarter than you think."

~Winnie the Pooh~

jan

why writing is an act of raw courage

 

Over the years, I’ve listened to a lot of stories…from my patients, among my friends, and in my own family. So, I spend a lot of time urging people I know to get their stories down…to enter them into a journal, or to confide in someone they trust. I beg them to write them down, to get them onto a canvas, or translate them into song or dance. (There’s more than one way to tell a story.) I do this because I know that storytelling can be a healing practice. In the words of poet Sean Thomas Dougherty, this is important because, as he puts it:

 “Right now, there is someone out there

with a wound in the exact shape of your words.”

~Sean Thomas Dougherty~

The story you share will help you make sense of your own experience…and, trust me, someone else, somewhere, needs to hear what you have to say. When people are struggling, they need to know that someone else has been through the same ordeal. They need to know where you turned for support, for strength, for comfort. They need to know how you survived. How you emerged victorious. Hearing your story may be just what they need to begin healing themselves.

It doesn’t take a stretch of the imagination to understand how hearing or reading just the right story at just the right time can help with healing.

"It may take a doctor to diagnose

someone's illness,

but it takes a friend to recognize

someone's suffering."

~attribution unknown~

For example, you might gain a new perspective on an issue that has been troubling you. Perhaps you’ve been struggling with guilt after a friend committed suicide. You pick up a book like “The Ticking Is the Bomb” by Nick Flynn whose mother took her own life. His story looks at suicide differently. He considers the inevitability of it given the course of his mother’s life. After reading it, you might see things a little differently, too. It wasn’t your fault your friend found life unbearable. Perhaps you didn’t miss the clues because there were none. A layer of guilt falls away. 

Healing.

Or maybe your friend has been diagnosed with cancer, and it doesn’t look good for her. You have no idea what to say or to do for her. You have no clue how to help. Then you pick up a novel like “Talk Before Sleep” by Elizabeth Berg, and you learn all the ways you can comfort and encourage her, and even bring a touch of humor to the situation.

Healing.

The process of telling your story may teach you something, too. Writing my childhood narrative taught me something I should have known. It taught me how mindful you must be when you care for people who are sick…especially children. You might not discover until it is too late that something you said or did, or that something you failed to say or do, had a devastating impact on your patient. The bitter aftermath of your life saving efforts might stalk him through life: fear, dread, despair.

Telling my story taught me the most important lesson of all: when you care for people who are sick, you need to anticipate their unspoken fears, to explain what is happening to them, and what they can expect. They need to know how to heal. They need to believe that healing is possible. 

The question is: do you believe it?

Let’s find out. 

Here's a prompt to get you started:

Write for about ten minutes about a time you remember "WAITING..."

Waiting for...

Waiting to...

Waiting until...

If that doesn’t resonate with you, write about something else. Whatever comes to mind. If just the thought of writing off the top of your head strikes fear and dread into your heart…maybe you can tell us why. The point is to write the first thing that comes up for you. Set a timer. When you're finished, read over what you have written. Better yet, read it out loud. To someone you trust.

Then, congratulate yourself. Why?

First of all, you wrote which, in and of itself, is an act of raw courage.

Second, you were willing to share your first unedited effort which is a mark of sheer humility and deep generosity.

Remember this: 

The story you share might be just what someone else needs to hear to begin healing.

"We read to learn about the world.

We write to change the world.

~Lori Jamison Rog~

jan