look for the helpers

Something changed for me this week. I downshifted from disbelief, frustration, even outrage, to sadness, a deep penetrating sense of helplessness and despair. Covid-19 hit a little too close to home.

One of the nurses I worked with for many years got sick...reminding me that most of my colleagues and friends are at high risk because of their age, or if they're still young enough to be working, because they are exposed to the virus every day. Without adequate PPE.

A friend who has diabetes, end-stage liver disease, and worsening heart failure was denied hospitalization because the risk of exposure to Covid-19 was too great, a certain death sentence.

A distant relative who lived in Italy took his own life this week for reasons we can only imagine.

My daughter's obstetrician recommended an elective induction next week so as to get her in and out of the hospital before the case load peaks where she lives...and before her husband is banned from the delivery room. Not to mention that today is her birthday.

My grandson missed his fifth birthday party today, too...

which is no big deal considering the incomprehensible toll the pandemic has taken on patients and their loved ones, on health care workers and first responders, on teachers and parents and the children they care for all around the world. Still...

"It is both a blessing and a curse 

to feel everything so very deeply."

~David Jones~

And then there's this. I'm used to being on the care-giving side of the equation...not on the receiving end. The thought that I would put someone at risk delivering my groceries, or running an errand for me, or, God forbid, taking care of me if I get sick...the thought of it worries me. It scares me. It saddens me. And, it leaves me feeling guilty...not being able to help, not being able to do my part with the skills I possess.

Instead, I've called all my closest family members and friends this week to check in on them. I've created get well cards and birthday cards, printed them out, and mailed them off without venturing into a store, or settling for e-cards (well, maybe one or two...). Why I've sat in mindful meditation for hours, launching loving kindness into the universe. You do what you can.

"Do what you can,

with what you have,

where you are."

~Theodore Roosevelt~

How is it going for you? Who and what are you caring for today? Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself, too. 

"When I was a boy

and I would see

scary things in the news,

my mother would say to me, 

'Look for the helpers.

You will always find people 

who are helping.'"

~Fred Rogers~

jan