why this? why now? why me?

Yesterday was pretty much a perfect day for me. It helps that I appreciate solitude, so social isolation is comfortable for me. It also helps that I don't suffer food or financial insecurity...I don't like to cook and I'm not "a shopper."

That said, I got up early in the morning, had a bite to eat, spent an hour in meditation, and took my (almost) daily five-mile walk in the brilliant sunshine under a cloudless blue sky. While listening to beautiful music. Spring treated me to vibrant shades of translucent green. No one else was out.

It would have been a totally perfect morning except for one problem. The rest of the world is suffering. The majority of humanity is either sick, worried they will get sick, or grieving for someone who has been sick. People are scared. Angry. Broken. It hardly seems fair. It makes you wonder. It keeps you guessing. Why this? Why now? Why me?

"There are times when explanations,

no matter how reasonable,

just don't seem to work."

~Fred Rogers~

But such is the duality of existence, the inevitable interplay of joy and sorrow, of pleasure and pain, of hope and despair. The struggle between attraction and aversion, between surrender and control, between humility and pride. Between "can" and "can't", "will" and "won't."

Today is a different kind of day for me. A wave of sadness crashed on shore this morning.

One of my best friends brought her husband home from the hospital. To die. It had nothing to do with Covid-19. He has not been well for a while. There was nothing more the doctors could do for him. The sad thing is that my friend will be alone with him at the end.  She will not be comforted or supported or cheered by the near presence of family or friends. She will be alone.

"We're all just

walking each other home."

~Ram Dass~

As the tide of sorrow recedes, though, it will leave a few sweet consolations behind. The comfort of knowing that she has these last few days or weeks together with him. That she is able to bathe and feed him herself, to tell him everything she needs him to know, to kiss him goodbye.

"Whatever is good for your soul,

do that."

~unknown, but claimed by many~

Today I'm going to walk by the lake. That usually helps.

jan