why grown men cry

When is the last time you saw a grown man cry? Openly. Uncontrollably. In public.

It doesn't happen often in our culture. Whether because of conditioning, shame, bravado, or denial, it seems men tend to keep the portal to their feelings under lock and key. And thank goodness for that. Thank goodness they have learned to stay strong when we need them to steady us and hold us up. When we might otherwise be swept away by our own fears, our own sorrows. Thank goodness someone is able to take over for us when we just can't. 

Don't let them fool you, though. 

"Every man has his secret sorrows

which the world knows not;

and often times we call a man cold

when he is only sad."

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow~

I see this again and again at the writing conferences I attend, a handful of men who are bleeding out with sorrow, shame, remorse, or anger...a wound that has never been cleansed. A wound that has festered untended all their lives until the day, in a writing group, they are invited to take the bandage off and look at it. To see how deep it has gotten. To realize how much it still hurts. When they are ready, they will tell you how it happened. Who did it. And you will see grown men cry.

"You'd be surprised

what lengths people will go to 

not to face

what is real and painful inside them."

~from HPLYRIKZ.com~ 

Often the wound reflects the vicissitudes of ordinary life...rejection, grief, failure, loss. But prepare yourself for this: in many cases these wounds were inflicted by their fathers. During their drunken rages. By their criticism, mockery, and shaming. By their absence. Because their expectations were impossible for a little boy to understand, much less aspire to. Generation after generation after generation.

"If you never heal from what hurt you

then you'll bleed on people

who did not cut you."

~from NotSalmon.com~

This is why grown men cry. When they first awaken to the lineage of wounded boys-turned-men they are part of. When it occurs to them that they might have passed this on to their own boys. This is the story they must tell. This is a wound they must heal.

Which is why it disappoints me that so few men join our writing circles. None were present last week at the Narrative Healing conference I attended. Three men attended the storytelling workshop I went to in June. One of them broke down in tears on the first day and wept openly all week long as his story unfolded. 

Boys don't cry, but men do."

~Malorie Blackman~

Tearfulness is both medicine and art. Don't be ashamed if you weep. It is the way you edit your story. The way you rewrite the ending. The way you close the wound. 

Are you nursing a painful memory or experience? Don't let it fester untended. Show it to us. Tell us where it hurts. We can help.

"Tears are words

that need to be written."

~Paulo Coelho~

jan

 

the cure for sagging spirits

 

This week I'm back at Omega Institute for Holistic studies for the annual Narrative Healing Conference. I was just here last month for a storytelling conference, but that was an impulsive and light-hearted indulgence. This is different. We won't be learning about setting, or plot points, or character development this week. We won't be debating the finer points of grammar, punctuation, or sentence structure. Nor will we be discussing the publishing industry, marketing, or self-promotion. No, this is a deeply reflective, empowering, and grounding experience that is designed to animate creative expression and bolster the sagging spirits of kindred souls--healthcare providers and people with an illness narrative they need to share with the world.

"The healing that can grow

out of the simple act of telling our stories

is often quite remarkable."

~Susan Wittig Albert~

Wait a minute. Did I say sagging spirits?

Yes, I think I did. It happens to all of us from time to time. It’s the price we pay for loving others, for caring about them, and for dreaming about an uncertain future. It’s the burden of disappointment, frustration, and rejection that drags us down. Sometimes we just need a little “pick-me-up,” or a little something to “settle-me-down.” Or both.  Something to motivate or inspire us. Affirmation. Acceptance. Encouragement.

Because of the pandemic, it has been a while since I've indulged myself this way. Luckily, I haven’t felt the need to be encouraged or energized about writing. That’s how I feel every time I sit down to work. I can’t wait to get started in the morning, and I tend to have two or three projects in mind at all times. Writing, it seems, is the easy part; life—not so much.

In  just the past few weeks, I learned that a friend is losing her courageous battle against pancreatic cancer. Another one just found out that the unusual symptoms he has been trying to ignore for a while are the result of ALS. My son is looking at knee surgery--AGAIN! Another friend was admitted to ICU last week with blood clots in his leg and bilateral pulmonary emboli. He's in ICU, and he has no health insurance. Two people I know are looking ahead to open heart surgery because of aortic valve problems.

"If your friend is sick and dying,

the most important thing he wants is

not an explanation.

He wants you to sit with him."

~Lee Strobel~

My heart aches at the cold hard truth of suffering, especially when physical pain is aggravated by fear, grief, anger, guilt, shame, or denial...which is often the case. As healers we can't hide behind our computer screens, and pretend that psychological, emotional, and spiritual suffering aren't part of the problem, simply because they're not part of the EMR. Our comforting words, a simple touch, and the time we spend at the bedside remain life-sustaining balms even when healing is not likely. 

"We're all just walking each other home."

~Ram Dass~

 

That may sound easy enough, but it isn't easy at all. Bearing a loved one's suffering can be harder than shouldering your own. It can leave you  feeling frustrated. Helpless. Uncertain. Spent. And this is why spirits sag...

...which is why I’m at my favorite place this week. To restore what is depleted. To gather courage. To reflect on the process of healing in all its guises. To prepare myself for what I fear lies ahead for people I love. To support them in any way I can.

What do you do to revive your withering spirits? Where do you turn for help? What are you waiting for?

“Good writing is not about good grammar.

Good writing is about truth.”

~Nancy Slonim Aronie~

jan

what was your question?

It has been said, 

"We touch heaven when we lay

our hand on a human body."

~Novalis~

As healthcare providers, this reminds us there is something spiritual about the study and practice of medicine. Something sacred that has been sacrificed in favor of pride, power, and profit among our corporate taskmasters. After all, we invoked all the gods and goddesses as witnesses when we took the oath that sealed our commitment to healing.

The Hippocratic Oath

We pledged:

"I will comport myself

and use my knowledge in a godly manner."

The ethical, moral, and humane practice of medicine is our sacred duty. As Stephen Cope puts it:

"Sacred duty is the thing that,

if you don't do it,

you will feel a profound sense

of self betrayal."

~Stephen Cope~

I was reflecting on this recently in view of the unrelenting onslaught of cruelty, injustice, hatred, and suffering that are all around us. War. Gun violence. Racism. Human rights violations. A still smoldering pandemic. Climate change. The anger and sorrow we bear. How hopeless things appear. How helpless we sometimes feel...at work, at home, in our communities, and in the world at large.

And then the answer appeared. A vision for healing.

If you do not read anything else in your lifetime, hop online right this minute, and order this book:

You don't have to read the whole book, unless, of course, you're interested in somatic psychotherapies, grounding vs. transcendence, and the nature and practice of embodiment. But if you're interested in how to survive in this world, just read the last chapter, "Call to Action!"  

"Your sacred purpose maybe be subtle and calm...

or it may be the fiery path of the activist."

"We need you to endeavor to make

our medical system more heartfelt and wholistic."

"We need awakening men to rise up defiantly

and stand down those men still locked inside patriarchal 

and sexist ways of being."

"Don't be fooled by the shopping mall, 

the suburban malaise,

or the numbing addiction 

to our phones, screens, and virtual realities."

"It's one thing to pray, meditate, dream, and visualize

the sacred possibilities for our planet;

it's quite another to ground our expansive intentions

in lived action."

"It should not be women's work, alone,

to shift patriarchal paradigms--

men must boldly rally for their female counterparts."

As healthcare providers--doctors, nurses, nurse practitioners and physician assistants, EMTs and first responders, and therapists in every field--we are called to live out our sacred calling every day. Indeed, as human beings we are all compelled to seek the truth, and to defend our right to live according to what we learn. In this book, Jeff Brown encourages us to confront our sacred purpose consciously. He teaches us to overcome the obstacles that prevent us from discerning our unique calling in life and to live according to our own deep truth.

He suggests we ask ourselves:

What are you here to learn?

What are you here to overcome?

What are you here to offer?

What does your authentic face look like?

Who are you beyond the inner static of inauthentic voices?

jan

 

how to close an open wound

 

 

Numerous studies have documented the positive effect of writing--aka, storytelling--on both psychological and physical healing. Studies that look at the physiological correlates of writing demonstrate improvement in parameters such as blood pressure, heart rate, sleep patterns, and the levels of stress hormones such as cortisol in patients who are encouraged to write deeply about their thoughts and feelings. Surveys of subjective measures including quality of life assessments, cognitive functioning, and relaxation also emphasize the benefits of writing as a healing practice.

"Writing is medicine.

It is an appropriate antidote

to injury."

~Julia Cameron

Several studies actually demonstrate that writing promotes physical healing, such as wound closure. In one such study, half of the participants were assigned to write daily about a deeply traumatizing event in their lives including their thoughts and feelings about it. The other half was assigned to write about their plans for the next day but not their thoughts or feelings about them. Then, small biopsies of the skin were taken, leaving a tiny open wound. The group who wrote deeply about a traumatizing event healed more quickly than the group that wrote about a neutral topic.

"As the number of studies increased, 

it became clear that writing 

was a far more powerful tool for healing

than anyone had ever imagined."

~James W. Pennebaker~ 



Imagine a new drug or procedure that could make that same claim. Clinicians would jump at the opportunity to offer it to their patients.

 

So...why not storytelling?

 

"While you're working on your book,

your book is working on you."

~Nancy Erickson~

jan