look for the helpers

Yes, I walked all the way up...

Mr. Roger's mother got it right when she reminded him to "look for the helpers" when he saw scary things happening around him.

"When I was a boy and

I would see scary things in the news,

my mother would say to me,

'Look for the helpers.

You will always find people who are helping.'"

~Fred Rogers~

Helpers are especially important when bad news arrives around the holidays...when illness strikes, a loved one dies, a neighbor's house goes up in flames, or depression takes its toll.

Who are these helpers? How will we recognize them? Here are five sure signs you're looking at a helper:

• Helpers meet trouble head on. Like deep winter snow, they go right out into it and plod through it just to help others through it, too.
• They ask existential questions. Why? Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why now, during the holidays? They confront the ultimate mystery: why not? Why are any of us spared? 
• Reflecting on the work they have chosen, they are grounded in empathy. They suffer right along with the people they care for.  
• The fact that they encounter suffering and understand what it's about solidifies their sense of purpose.
• They consider service a privilege.

 

"The best way to find yourself

is to lose yourself

in the service of others."

~Mahatma Gandhi~



If you are a health care provider--a doctor or nurse, a nurse practitioner or a physicians assistant, an EMT, or a therapist in any field--you are a helper. If you are a first responder, we depend upon your help. If you work as a caretaker, a teacher, or a pastor, you're a helper. If you are a parent or grandparent, you are definitely a helper. If you staff a food kitchen or a homeless shelter or an animal rescue, you are one of us. If you drive a snow plow, repair our roads, or haul away our trash, you are helping. What would we do without you? How would we get through the holidays? How would life go on?

Each of us is a helper in our own special way. We encounter each other every day at the intersection of give and take, of sorrow and joy, of pain and pleasure.

When you see scary things happening around you, do what Fred Rogers did when he was a boy. Look for the helpers...and remember that you are one of them, too.

"The world is full of

healers, helpers, and lovers.

If you can't find one,

be one."

~from Treehouse of Hope~

jan







gifts for aspiring writers

This Year's Best Gifts for Aspiring Writers 

A supply of Seven Year Pens~~After all, it will most likely take them that long to finish writing their NY Times best-seller. These are perfect for when the power goes off or their laptop crashes. They can just keep on writing.

 

 

 

A treadmill writing desk~~Be sure to include a gift card that wishes them good health in the New Year. Don't mention their spreading hips or expanding waistline.

 

 

 

Coffee wine~~For the caffeine addict/wine lover in your life, it solves two problems without dirtying glassware unnecessarily, and, yes~~it does exist. Check it out here.

www.theshot.coffeeratings.com



For those who insist they don't want ANYTHING for Christmas, you can always try this:

 

A word of sincere appreciation~~This doesn't mean you have to gush over their epic dystopian romantic thriller if you're not into that kind of thing. No, it means you understand how hard they work, the dedication it takes, the solitude it requires. The missed meals, sleepless nights, and unpredictable mood swings that you have not only witnessed, but experienced yourself just by being around them.

 

www.funfeelingslife.wordpress.com

 

A word of encouragement~~It says to them that you understand their need to stare out the window or gaze at a blank wall for days on end to come up with just the right word, and no, you don't think they're lazy good-for-nothing loafers because that's how they've chosen to spend their entire adult life.

 

A gentle critique~~Start like this: "I enjoyed reading your 856 page manuscript, 'Moo Cow Makes It Home'...." Nod and say it with a smile. After all, you don't want to alienate the author, especially if it's your spouse or best friend. After you flatter them you may then point out salient problems as you see them, "...but it's a little long for a children's book." You'll be doing them a favor.

If you're an agent or an editor, a contract would be nice~~You have the easy job. No shopping around for you. No fretting over what to give. This is guaranteed to be a big hit on Christmas day.

 

www.publishedtodeath.blogspot.co

 

With just fifteen shopping days until Christmas, what's on your list?

 

 

*

"Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?

What if Christmas

...perhaps...

means a little bit more?"

~~Dr. Seuss~~

jan

Christmas presence

Are you ready for Christmas? I am. I'm as ready as I can be given the fact that this isn't the easiest celebration to pull off every year. A snowstorm could sweep in and ruin everything. Money may be running low. A common cold can lay a person low. 

www.drlisawatson.com

 

But that's not what worries me.

The problem is that I have friends who are sick...so sick, in fact, that this could be the last Christmas they see. I have friends who are grieving. I know people who are lonely. Angry. Depressed.



And, most likely you do, too.

The holidays have a way of putting life's inevitable struggles into perspective. The bright lights and merry carols that the rest of us enjoy can dampen the spirits, deepen the grief, and aggravate the loneliness that so many feel at this time of the year.

 

www.personal.psu.edu



I wish everyone could be happy at Christmastime. That everyone had hope. That everyone was at peace. It's hard to know what to do for those who aren't. What good are presents when pain is the problem?

When this happens, I am left to reflect on what I think would be helpful to me if the tables were turned:

If I were sick, if I were the one receiving chemo, or struggling against pain, I would want a friend at my side.

"Nobody cares how much you know

until they know how much you care."

~Theodore Roosevelt~

Don't bother bringing me fuzzy pink slippers or flowers or food...unless, of course, it makes you happy...in which case, bring it on! Even though it's your presence I need.

If I were grieving the loss of a loved one--my spouse, or one of my children, or my best friend--I would want you to sit at the kitchen table with me and share stories--the sweet, funny, important moments that we enjoyed with them.

"The past beats inside me 

like a second heart."

~John Banville~

 

I'll make the tea. You bring the cookies.

 

If my house turned to splinters in a storm, or I lost my job, or my marriage went south I would need you to hold me up, to cheer me on, to shelter me if it came to that. Don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I would need everything and I wouldn't have the strength to pick up the phone. Just come. Sit. Stay.

 

www.weheartit.com

 

One of the best presents we can give is exactly that--our presence. Our halting, not-sure-what-to-do-or-what-to-say presence. Our I'll-be-here-for-you-no-matter-what friendship. Our I-wish-I-could-do-more-for-you selves.

This post is dedicated to all who find the holidays season difficult...the poor, the sick and lonely, the sorrowful...and to those who are present for them.

"I think this is how

we're supposed to be in this world:

present and in awe."

~Anne Lamott~

jan

"the things we take for granted, someone else is praying for"

The Matterhorn

If your family is anything like mine, you have a lot to be grateful for this Thanksgiving. Most of our issues will revolve around what we call "first world problems." Whether to use a tablecloth or place mats for dinner. Whether to serve pumpkin pie or apple. Which grace to recite before we overindulge.

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it 

is like wrapping a present and not giving it."

~William Arthur Ward~

Many people are not so fortunate given today's climate of fear, hatred, and intolerance, the scourge of domestic violence, the plight of the poor and hungry. The threat of gun violence. Of terrorism. The refugee crisis. War.

Clearly, many can't or won't be allowed to enjoy Thanksgiving this year. This, I feel is a sad thing for a country so full of promise, so full of possibility, and so full of hope for so many.

"We should certainly count our blessings,

but we should also make our blessings count."

~Neal A. Maxwell~

Because the news has been especially dismal lately, I decided to share this poem:

Let America Be America Again

Langston Hughes (1902-1967)

Let America be America again.

 Let it be the dream it used to be.

 Let it be the pioneer on the plain

 Seeking a home where he himself is free.

 (America never was America to me.)

 Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed—

 Let it be that great strong land of love

 Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme

 That any man be crushed by one above.

 (It never was America to me.)

 O, let my land be a land where Liberty

 Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,

 But opportunity is real, and life is free,

 Equality is in the air we breathe.

 (There’s never been equality for me,

 Nor freedom in this “homeland of the free.”)

 ''Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?

 And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?''

 I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,

 I am the Negro bearing slavery’s scars.

 I am the red man driven from the land,

 I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek—

 And finding only the same old stupid plan

 Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

 I am the young man, full of strength and hope,

 Tangled in that ancient endless chain

 Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!

 Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!

 Of work the men! Of take the pay!

 Of owning everything for one’s own greed!

 I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.

 I am the worker sold to the machine.

 I am the Negro, servant to you all.

 I am the people, humble, hungry, mean—

 Hungry yet today despite the dream.

 Beaten yet today—O, Pioneers!

 I am the man who never got ahead,

 The poorest worker bartered through the years.

 Yet I’m the one who dreamt our basic dream

 In the Old World while still a serf of kings,

 Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,

 That even yet its mighty daring sings

 In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned

 That’s made America the land it has become.

 O, I’m the man who sailed those early seas

 In search of what I meant to be my home—

 For I’m the one who left dark Ireland’s shore,

 And Poland’s plain, and England’s grassy lea,

 And torn from Black Africa’s strand I came

 To build a “homeland of the free.”

 The free?

 Who said the free?  Not me?

 Surely not me?  The millions on relief today?

 The millions shot down when we strike?

 The millions who have nothing for our pay?

 For all the dreams we’ve dreamed

 And all the songs we’ve sung

 And all the hopes we’ve held

 And all the flags we’ve hung,

 The millions who have nothing for our pay—

 Except the dream that’s almost dead today.

 O, let America be America again—

 The land that never has been yet—

 And yet must be—the land where ''every'' man is free.

 The land that’s mine—the poor man’s, Indian’s, Negro’s, ME—

 Who made America,

 Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,

 Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain

 Must bring back our mighty dream again.

 Sure, call me any ugly name you choose—

 The steel of freedom does not stain.

 From those who live like leeches on the people’s lives,

 We must take back our land again,

 America!

 O, yes,

 I say it plain,

 America never was America to me,

 And yet I swear this oath—

 America will be!

 Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,

 The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,

 We, the people, must redeem

 The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.

 The mountains and the endless plain—

 All, all the stretch of these great green states—

 And make America again.

*

Thanksgiving is such an iconic observance in our country, I can't help but feel a bit nostalgic about it, much the way I feel about the values America was founded upon...and much the way I remember the innocent, if naive, pleasure I took in Thanksgivings long since past. This week, I give thanks for the promise, possibility, and hope that America symbolizes to the world.

"The things we take for granted

someone else is praying for."

~Attribution Unknown~

jan

how do you process suffering?

How do you process suffering?

If you are a healthcare provider, a caretaker, or a therapist in any field, you expect to encounter suffering. It's part of your job. It's the reason you chose this kind of work: to alleviate suffering. To provide comfort. Care. Healing. 

Whether you are treating a patient with chest pain, or a child with a broken leg, or a patient who has overdosed, you don't hesitate out of fear or dread because you can't bear the sight of blood or the smell of pus. You don't abandon the patient because you're hungry, or tired, or because your shift is coming to and end you have other plans. You do your job. You take suffering in stride because it is your calling in life.

"The simple act of caring

is heroic."

~Edward Albert~

The fact that you can provide comfort and relief is its own reward. It motivates you to continue. It is both satisfying and fulfilling. It takes the sting out of the insecurities, fears, and prejudices that might otherwise make you hesitate. However, this is not true in every instance, nor is it true for most ordinary human beings. Not everyone is prepared, or motivated, or courageous enough to confront suffering, their own or others'.

Suffering, of course, comes in many guises: physical, psychological, emotional, and spiritual. It can present as pain, hunger, loss, fear, depression, shame, guilt, and grief. Confusion, abandonment, isolation. Dread. Hopelessness. It can end in death. I could go on.

If you're one of the lucky ones who is able to reach out to help the suffering, I hope you will. Volunteer. Donate. Speak up. March. Pray.

If you are a person who prefers to ignore, or deny, or shrug it off when you encounter suffering, now might be a good time to ask yourself, "Why?" 

"Everything can be taken from a man 

but one thing:

...to choose one's attitude

in any given circumstance,

to choose one's own way."

~Viktor Frankl~

This might be a good time to think about how you process the suffering you experience, or witness, or hear about in the news and on social media...because, if the president elect has his way, we are doomed to confront cruelty and suffering that is beyond our wildest imagination. The stuff of nightmares. The forced deportation of innocent men, women, and children to face hunger and thirst, disease, torture, and death once they are outside our borders. The agony and death of women who are denied access to lifesaving medical care. The continuing surge in environmental disasters as a result uncontrolled climate change. The hospitalization and death of children from fully preventable childhood infections like polio, whooping cough, tetanus, and measles. The rise in lethal gun violence. War. Prepare yourself because, when it happens, there may be nothing any of us can do to stop it, and no way for us to aid the victims.

What will we do then?

Will we simply harden our hearts against it? Bury our heads in the sand? Pretend that what is happening is acceptable, or necessary, or just? 

"The real weapons of mass destruction

are the hardened hearts of humanity."

~Leonard Cohen~

It is an extraordinary challenge and a privilege, for those of us who care, to tend to people who are suffering. But what about those who don't care? People who choose to ignore, or deny, or dismiss the problem? People, indeed, who cause others to suffer out of a sense of entitlement, arrogance, or greed? What about them?

Do you agree with Thich Nhat Hanh?:

"When another person makes you suffer,

it is because he suffers deeply himself,

and his suffering is spilling over.

He does not need punishment;

he needs help."

~Thich Nhat Hanh~

How do you deal with suffering? How can you help?

jan

thinking ahead to winter

Zermatt, Switzerland

Do you dread winter's arrival? If so, you probably wish today would last forever.

I stepped outside this morning just as the sun came up expecting to feel a chill in the air and a gusty wind in my face. Instead, the day dawned quiet and bright. The sky a deep, clear blue. The remaining foliage bright red and gold. The sun warm and welcoming.

Not a cloud in the sky. Not a breeze.

Not a dog barking in the distance or a plane rumbling overhead. It was silent and still outside. Even the birds--usually so chatty in the morning--seemed to respect Mother Nature's need for a little peace and quiet. This, ahead of a cold front that is working its way in our direction, bringing with it the gusty winds and falling temperatures that will get us thinking ahead to winter.

With that in mind, here is a short passage from my novel, "The Bandaged Place", that describes the change of seasons:

"November takes me by surprise. I should have seen it coming. Like incense over the altar, wood smoke hangs heavy in the air.

There are pumpkins on every porch—Smiley, Goofy, Grumpy, Spooky—so that Middleburg takes on a personality of its own. This is one of those powder puff mornings when the rising sun causes everything to blush. The air is so still that the chimney smoke reaches straight up into the soft pink haze that clings to the treetops. Instead of dew, we awaken to the glitter of frost on the grass, to ice on the windshield, to breath that crystallizes in mid-air. I can tell that snow is on the way. I know it as surely as I know the smell of honeysuckle in May, of fresh cut grass in July, and burning leaves in October.

Summer has surrendered to autumn. Sightseers choke the mountain roads by day and jam the restaurants and bars at night. But these are fair-weather fans. They may extol the glories of blazing foliage and crisp, clean air but they’ll be sure to head home before snow flies, before Mother Nature packs up her palette and heads south leaving behind the soft soothing shades of oatmeal and brown sugar, of seashells and sand, of bone.

Before the sun pales and the sky turns to lead. Before the wind shifts and whistles unchecked through the bare branches, tossing fallen leaves around like the snow that is sure to follow."

Try to enjoy the change of seasons.

*

"I prefer winter and fall,
when you feel the bone structure of the landscape.
Something waits beneath it.
The whole story doesn't show."
~Andrew Wyeth~

*

I'm with Andrew. What about you?

jan

take my advice

 

If you have already voted, or if you know who you plan to vote for and nothing anyone says can change your mind, or even if you're still undecided...take my advice. Turn off your TV and other devices. Stop listening to the news and scrolling through the posts that concern the upcoming election. You already know everything you need to know about your candidate. It has been out there for weeks. Nothing about your candidate is going to  change.

"Autumn, 

the season that teaches us that

change can be beautiful."

~Heather Stillufsen~

Instead, do this. Before it's too late. Before you lose your chance: 

Go outside and take a walk. Enjoy the sunshine and warm weather. Gaze up into the cloudless blue sky. Take time to appreciate the brilliant autumn foliage. Breathe.

Take it easy on yourself. Embrace the beauty of the season. Surrender to wonder. To awe. Like I did today:

Remember: it won't be long before we have more than the election to complain about. Soon, it will be the cold, wet, windy weather that is typical for this time of year. Sleet. Even snow.

Enjoy the next nine days while you can!

"I would rather sit on a pumpkin,

and have it all to myself,

than to be crowded on a velvet cushion."

~Henry David Thoreau~

Be sure you vote!

jan