why me? why this? why now?

I had one of those "Why me? Why this? Why now?" moments this week when I passed a dog who apparently took offense as I walked by and decided to teach me a lesson. The bite wasn't bad, but it meant limping home to clean things up, a trip to the drugstore to get a tetanus booster, and a ten-day course of antibiotics. Meaning I couldn't take care of the yardwork as I had planned this weekend. And my leg may still look a little funky when we leave for vacation next week. 

"I am not what happened to me."

~Carl Jung~

We have probably all had these moments. I'm sure my brother did when he suffered the stroke that landed him in a long-term care facility. For the rest of his life. 

I'm sure my best friend wanted answers when her daughter succumbed after a long battle against ALS a few weeks ago. 

"Little by little, we let go of loss...

but never love."

~Attribution Unknown~

Anyone who has been affected by the recent onslaught of severe storms, wildfires, and earthquakes must be wondering the same thing. Anyone who has unexpectedly lost their job or their home. The injured and the sick. Victims of war. Not to mention the thousands of legal immigrants who will lose their Temporary Protected Status today and face the imminent threat of deportation at the whim of our so-called leaders. I could go on.

Why me? Why this? Why now?

Making sense of suffering is one of the great existential challenges we face. How to relieve suffering is another. How to bear it ourselves is probably the greatest task of all.

"When we are no longer able

to change a situation,

we are challenged to change ourselves."

~Viktor Frankl~

Conventional, albeit uninspired, wisdom suggests we reframe the questions we ask:

Why not me?

Why not this? 

If not now, when?

This, though, oversimplifies the issue and denies its deep emotional origins and effects. It makes it sound as if we should know better.

People who don't understand the depth of pain suggest that we simply let it go...our anger, grief, shame, despair...since we can't do anything to change what happened to us. This, of course, is impossible, so that's no help.

Whether what happens to us or around us arises coincidentally, or synchronously, or paradoxically, or it simply strikes us as bad luck, our goal should be to stay grounded. To acknowledge and embrace reality as it unfolds, and to explore our emotional and psychological response to the truth.

I don't think I did anything to provoke the dog that snapped at me. My brother didn't do anything to cause the stroke that changed the course of his life forever. There was nothing my friend could have done to slow or stop the inevitable course of the disease that claimed her daughter's life. We are stuck with reality.

As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it:

"The purpose of life is not to be happy.

It is to be useful,

to be honorable,

to be compassionate,

to have it make some difference

that you have lived and lived well."

...because we are sometimes rewarded for it. When something good comes our way--let's say we find a better paying job, or the scan comes back normal, or we win the lottery, for crying out loud!--remember to ask yourself:

Why me? Why this? Why now?

jan