acquiring a knack for discernment

The decision to depart from my chosen path in life and to start all over again as a wannabe writer both broke my heart and healed it.

It broke my heart because my life was dedicated to the practice of medicine. Leaving medicine felt like a desertion. A defection. My patients panicked. What would they do now, they wondered. My colleagues steeled themselves to take on the extra work load. 

 

It wasn’t as though I simply got fed up, turned in my stethoscope and tongue blades, and slammed the door on my way out of the office. I agonized over the decision for years...from the first rumblings of  discontent, to fierce vacillation, to growing conviction, to the ultimate proclamation...the day I cleared off my desk, said goodbye, and took the leap.

"To be fully alive, fully human,

and completely awake is to be continuously 

thrown out of the nest."

~Pema Chodron~

 

What finally got to me was the subversion of the American health care system by self-proclaimed intermediaries who had neither knowledge of nor concern for patient well being and care...and I would add, I'm afraid that under the current administration, things are only going to get worse. 

 

On a personal note, I struggled with an oppositional defiant EMR system. A baffling coding and reimbursement system. The ever present threat of litigation. A pharmaceutical industry that invested as heavily in marketing as it did in research. A health insurance industry whose number one priority was corporate profit…not compassionate care. Aggravations that followed health care providers through life like a swarm of angry bees.

Now, we're facing politically driven directives that contradict the ethics of medical practice...mandates that make it unlawful to care for our patients depending upon their needs, interventions that make health care inaccessible to people depending upon their identity, and corporate greed that makes it unaffordable for the poor, disabled, and elderly. Among others...

I can't imagine practicing medicine under the onus of these forces. My heart aches for patients who will suffer and may die because of them. Personally, I wasn't defeated by the perpetually long hours that seemed to get longer as I got older. I didn't retire because of exhaustion, or ill-health, or forgetfulness. I abandoned my life in medicine out of fear and frustration. I had to step away...

"Never underestimate the power you have

to take your life in a new direction."

~Germany Kent~ 

 

to decide which path to take. One was familiar but I didn't like where it was taking me. The other one--the healing path--led into the unknown.

 

But, I had a book in mind that insisted on coming out. Several, in fact. So, writing became my compass. Uphill or down, through sunlight or shadow, I chose my path.

 

It's a good thing we get plenty of practice with life changing decisions over the years because, over time, we acquire a knack for discernment. To marry or not. To have a child or not. To start chemo or not. Will we follow our head or our heart? Will the way lead us to love? To happiness? To fulfillment? Or will it bring us heartbreak? Disappointment? Defeat?

 

Are you facing a life-changing decision? How will it affect your future? Are you willing to take the risk? 

Can you put it into words on a page?

"Courage is taking those first steps 

to your dream

even if you can't see the path ahead."

~www.my-youth-basketball-player.com~

jan