what you can do when things get to be too much

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress
can be judged by the way its animals are treated."~Mahatma Gandhi

This week was especially challenging for those of us who identify as empaths. 

According to Chivonna Childs, PhD of the Cleveland Clinic, an empath is a person who feels what others feel. They are known to take on the emotional responses of others and to process them on a deeper level. When others suffer, they suffer.

"Empathy is about finding

echoes of another person in yourself."

~Mohsin Hamid~

This week's news was hard on empaths. It featured the devastating loss of life and property in the California's wildfires. The continuing challenge of frigid temperatures, wind, and drifting snow that have had a paralyzing grip on the mid-Atlantic states and on New England for weeks. The fact that residents of North Carolina are still struggling to recover from Hurricane Helene. Not to mention the political chaos our country is facing. Not to mention the unavoidable static of illness, grief, and despair that blankets so many.

On the other hand, some things barely made the news at all this week. The wars in Ukraine and Gaza. A massive earthquake in Tibet. The all but forgotten refugee camps in Sudan.

On a more personal note, I have been fretting about the deer, the little squirrels and chipmunks, and the birds outdoors with nothing but a little fur or a few feathers to keep them warm. My heart aches for all the pets who snuck out the door and wandered off when no one was watching and are now lost out in the cold, without shelter or food...which is why I doubled the amount of birdseed I put out. Even the deer are eating it.

People suffering. Animals suffering. Empaths suffering.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet

is fighting a hard battle."

~multiple attributions~

How do you process it? Where do you begin? 

Well, you can try to ignore it. You can turn off the news. Distract yourself with mindless entertainment, go shopping for things you don't need (...be honest), or attend to some of those mundane chores you've been putting off. You can pretend it isn't your problem, even though, in a way, it is.

Here are a few things that helped get me through the week:

• I was finally able to get outside and walk, which is a contemplative practice for me. It may not have helped anyone else, but it gave me time to reflect on my place in the world with gratitude and compassion.
• I watched the squirrels scamper around and the deer bound out of the woods the minute I put the birdseed out...the good kind with whole seeds, real nuts, and dried fruit in it. Happy to oblige.
• Night after night I watched the sun set in brilliant shades of pink and orange and purple.
• I watched the "wolf" moon rise.
• I learned something new from Neil deGrasse Tyson about the tides. You can visit him here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBwNadry-TU
• I took note that snow still glitters in the sunshine.

In other words, when things get to be just too much:

"Enjoy the little things in life...

for one day you'll look back and realize

they were the big things."

~multiple attributions~

jan

 

a pathway to healing

 

I came up against this situation several times recently, and I wasn't exactly sure how I could help. In each case, the circumstances were different but the issue was the same. 

In one case, a gentleman had fallen and injured his hand, but he didn't seek care for it at the time. Weeks later, he was still complaining about the pain...and still refusing to have it evaluated and treated.

Another person had multiple medical problems including diabetes and a heart condition, but he neglected to see his doctor for follow-up. He constantly complained about disabling shortness of breath, fatigue, swelling in his legs, and back pain, but refused to have his symptoms evaluated and treated.

A third person had a persistent cough and wheezing that she blamed on the "flu", even though she was a smoker. She knew it could be something serious, but she refused to have it checked.

"Pain is inevitable.

Suffering is optional."

~Haruki Murakami~

Why do you think people avoid seeking medical care while they continue to complain about their symptoms? What is the story behind it?

Certainly, the prohibitive cost of health care is a major deterrent for many, especially the uninsured. They simply can't afford to see a health care provider, to pay for the diagnostic workup, or to cover the cost of treatment. 

Then there is fear...fear it might be something serious that they just can't face at the time. The shortness of breath that could signal heart failure. The cough that might indicate lung cancer. The injury that might end their career.

Which brings us to the issue of denial. Let's say the woman with the cough, above, lost her mother to lung cancer when she was just two years older than our reluctant patient. It isn't surprising she would pretend her cough was something simple, a cold or the flu, rather than confront the reality she holds in her heart. 

An injury that threatens one's job is more complicated. Taking time off to heal is a problem for a person who has a home and a family, and depends upon a steady income. If it isn't too bad, he can't be blamed for waiting a while to see if things get better on their own. On the other hand, the patient who neglects follow up or who doesn't comply with recommendations for treatment might be milking the system to secure or extend disability benefits. That's a whole different story...

"I told the doctor I broke my leg

in two places.

He told me to quit going to those places."

~Henny Youngman~

If you encounter someone who insists he is sick or in pain but refuses to seek care, it is important to understand his reasons. His story. His circumstances, fears, and expectations. If you are his health care provider, this will help both of you navigate the issue, and it may offer him a pathway to healing.

"There is more wisdom in your body

than in your deepest philosophy."

~Friedrich Nietzsche~

jan

deep peace, however you imagine it

 

I'm not a fan of making New Year's Resolutions. It's a time-consuming process that smacks of self-discipline, grim determination, and Herculean effort...and it often ends in failure. So, last year, I turned my attention to wishful thinking. This has a more optimistic ring to it. It suggests we believe...or hope...that the new year holds limitless possibility for us...the possibility that good will come to us, that our burdens will be lifted, that help is available. It enables us to envision a world at peace, to imagine an end to poverty and hunger, to hope for an elusive cure, to pray for an end to suffering. 

Unfortunately, that didn't seem to work too well, either...given the fact that the shift toward world peace, compassion, and caring I was wishing for never materialized. Instead, we witnessed an escalation in greed, cruelty, and bigotry that fed into war, poverty, and pain. Fear. Dread. Despair.

So...what now? 

If 2024 was a difficult year for you...because of illness or loss, because of hunger or homelessness, because of loneliness, or failure, or rejection, or simply because you stay abreast of the news...how will you navigate 2025? Because, trust me, we will be tested. We will witness heartbreaking cruelty toward immigrant families and children. We will see an uptick in preventable diseases affecting our children. The LGTBQ+ community will suffer. We will feel the pain of racism, misogyny, injustice, and greed. We already feel it. And, we will feel helpless to change it. We already do.

Which is why I believe that self-care will be more important than ever in the New Year. 

"Self care is a divine responsibility."

~Danielle LaPorte~

This may include a few traditional resolutions like exercising more, improving your diet, or balancing your budget...but it involves so much more. Here is some advice for the New Year from people I admire and respect:

"Be good to yourself. 

If you don't take care of your body, where will you live?"

~Kobi Yamada~

❄

"Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head

to sit down and shut up."

~Ann Bradford~

❄

"Release your majestic mind,

embrace your untamed spirit,

break free from captivity..."

~Melanie Muller~

❄

"Whatever is good for your soul, 

do that."

~Attribution unknown~

❄

"Everybody should be quiet

near a little stream and listen."

~Christopher Robin~

❄

"Tell your story

with your whole heart."

~Brene Brown~

❄

"Keep close to Nature's heart...

and break clear away once in a while,

and climb a mountain or spend a week

in the woods.

Wash your spirit clean."

~John Muir~

❄

 

"Walk as if you are kissing the earth

with your feet."

~Thich Nhat Hanh~

❄

"Never stop questioning."

~Albert Einstein~

❄

That's just for starters. Above all, remember this:

"The bad news is: a lot can change in a year.

The good news is: a lot can change in a year."

~Attribution unknown~

❄

In the meantime, my New Year's wish for you is for deep peace, however you imagine it, whatever it takes for you to embrace a few moments of it, whomever you choose to share it with. 

Take good care of yourself and those you love in the New Year.

Remember that those who are difficult to love need it, too...

~Elaine Hagenberg~

Deep peace of the winter solstice to you.

Deep peace of the falling snow to you.

Deep peace of the love of friends to you.

Deep peace of the gentle deer to you.

Deep peace of the moon and stars to you.

~author unknown~

jan

"whisper words of wisdom"

"Always be prepared

for something amazing to happen."

~Melanie Perkins~

Wishing everyone pure joy and boundless optimism this Christmas.

If yours can't be merry this year, then may it at least be white.

If you don't care for snow, may it simply be...enough.

Words of wisdom:

"Let it be."

~John Lennon~

jan

look for the helpers

Yes, I walked all the way up...

Mr. Roger's mother got it right when she reminded him to "look for the helpers" when he saw scary things happening around him.

"When I was a boy and

I would see scary things in the news,

my mother would say to me,

'Look for the helpers.

You will always find people who are helping.'"

~Fred Rogers~

Helpers are especially important when bad news arrives around the holidays...when illness strikes, a loved one dies, a neighbor's house goes up in flames, or depression takes its toll.

Who are these helpers? How will we recognize them? Here are five sure signs you're looking at a helper:

• Helpers meet trouble head on. Like deep winter snow, they go right out into it and plod through it just to help others through it, too.
• They ask existential questions. Why? Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why now, during the holidays? They confront the ultimate mystery: why not? Why are any of us spared? 
• Reflecting on the work they have chosen, they are grounded in empathy. They suffer right along with the people they care for.  
• The fact that they encounter suffering and understand what it's about solidifies their sense of purpose.
• They consider service a privilege.

 

"The best way to find yourself

is to lose yourself

in the service of others."

~Mahatma Gandhi~



If you are a health care provider--a doctor or nurse, a nurse practitioner or a physicians assistant, an EMT, or a therapist in any field--you are a helper. If you are a first responder, we depend upon your help. If you work as a caretaker, a teacher, or a pastor, you're a helper. If you are a parent or grandparent, you are definitely a helper. If you staff a food kitchen or a homeless shelter or an animal rescue, you are one of us. If you drive a snow plow, repair our roads, or haul away our trash, you are helping. What would we do without you? How would we get through the holidays? How would life go on?

Each of us is a helper in our own special way. We encounter each other every day at the intersection of give and take, of sorrow and joy, of pain and pleasure.

When you see scary things happening around you, do what Fred Rogers did when he was a boy. Look for the helpers...and remember that you are one of them, too.

"The world is full of

healers, helpers, and lovers.

If you can't find one,

be one."

~from Treehouse of Hope~

jan







gifts for aspiring writers

This Year's Best Gifts for Aspiring Writers 

A supply of Seven Year Pens~~After all, it will most likely take them that long to finish writing their NY Times best-seller. These are perfect for when the power goes off or their laptop crashes. They can just keep on writing.

 

 

 

A treadmill writing desk~~Be sure to include a gift card that wishes them good health in the New Year. Don't mention their spreading hips or expanding waistline.

 

 

 

Coffee wine~~For the caffeine addict/wine lover in your life, it solves two problems without dirtying glassware unnecessarily, and, yes~~it does exist. Check it out here.

www.theshot.coffeeratings.com



For those who insist they don't want ANYTHING for Christmas, you can always try this:

 

A word of sincere appreciation~~This doesn't mean you have to gush over their epic dystopian romantic thriller if you're not into that kind of thing. No, it means you understand how hard they work, the dedication it takes, the solitude it requires. The missed meals, sleepless nights, and unpredictable mood swings that you have not only witnessed, but experienced yourself just by being around them.

 

www.funfeelingslife.wordpress.com

 

A word of encouragement~~It says to them that you understand their need to stare out the window or gaze at a blank wall for days on end to come up with just the right word, and no, you don't think they're lazy good-for-nothing loafers because that's how they've chosen to spend their entire adult life.

 

A gentle critique~~Start like this: "I enjoyed reading your 856 page manuscript, 'Moo Cow Makes It Home'...." Nod and say it with a smile. After all, you don't want to alienate the author, especially if it's your spouse or best friend. After you flatter them you may then point out salient problems as you see them, "...but it's a little long for a children's book." You'll be doing them a favor.

If you're an agent or an editor, a contract would be nice~~You have the easy job. No shopping around for you. No fretting over what to give. This is guaranteed to be a big hit on Christmas day.

 

www.publishedtodeath.blogspot.co

 

With just fifteen shopping days until Christmas, what's on your list?

 

 

*

"Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store?

What if Christmas

...perhaps...

means a little bit more?"

~~Dr. Seuss~~

jan

Christmas presence

Are you ready for Christmas? I am. I'm as ready as I can be given the fact that this isn't the easiest celebration to pull off every year. A snowstorm could sweep in and ruin everything. Money may be running low. A common cold can lay a person low. 

www.drlisawatson.com

 

But that's not what worries me.

The problem is that I have friends who are sick...so sick, in fact, that this could be the last Christmas they see. I have friends who are grieving. I know people who are lonely. Angry. Depressed.



And, most likely you do, too.

The holidays have a way of putting life's inevitable struggles into perspective. The bright lights and merry carols that the rest of us enjoy can dampen the spirits, deepen the grief, and aggravate the loneliness that so many feel at this time of the year.

 

www.personal.psu.edu



I wish everyone could be happy at Christmastime. That everyone had hope. That everyone was at peace. It's hard to know what to do for those who aren't. What good are presents when pain is the problem?

When this happens, I am left to reflect on what I think would be helpful to me if the tables were turned:

If I were sick, if I were the one receiving chemo, or struggling against pain, I would want a friend at my side.

"Nobody cares how much you know

until they know how much you care."

~Theodore Roosevelt~

Don't bother bringing me fuzzy pink slippers or flowers or food...unless, of course, it makes you happy...in which case, bring it on! Even though it's your presence I need.

If I were grieving the loss of a loved one--my spouse, or one of my children, or my best friend--I would want you to sit at the kitchen table with me and share stories--the sweet, funny, important moments that we enjoyed with them.

"The past beats inside me 

like a second heart."

~John Banville~

 

I'll make the tea. You bring the cookies.

 

If my house turned to splinters in a storm, or I lost my job, or my marriage went south I would need you to hold me up, to cheer me on, to shelter me if it came to that. Don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I would need everything and I wouldn't have the strength to pick up the phone. Just come. Sit. Stay.

 

www.weheartit.com

 

One of the best presents we can give is exactly that--our presence. Our halting, not-sure-what-to-do-or-what-to-say presence. Our I'll-be-here-for-you-no-matter-what friendship. Our I-wish-I-could-do-more-for-you selves.

This post is dedicated to all who find the holidays season difficult...the poor, the sick and lonely, the sorrowful...and to those who are present for them.

"I think this is how

we're supposed to be in this world:

present and in awe."

~Anne Lamott~

jan